Why I Wish I Was Sixty

Helen Mirren...Damn!

Miracle, Dude

Guess who's looking FIERCE?! OK, you gotta admit, he looks about twenty times better than most dudes half his age who have top-notch pancreases. Pancreases? Pancrei? Whatever, you know what I'm saying and I don't feel like looking up the proper plural of pancreas; (PAUSE slide your eyes directly to the left of the word PAUSE... you're welcome!) that's information I'll probably never need again. I'm so happy for him! Yay, Buddy! I'm yearning to hear about his struggle and victory during a very special hour with Oprah. I think it makes perfect sense, especially since he's working in Chicago for the next few months. I'm gonna e-mail Miss O when I'm done with this, and then every day thereafter, until I see him on her show when the new season starts. Please join me.

So, I've been away kind of a long time. I've been embarassingly caught up in the Twilight series of books. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to run to a bookstore immediately. It's like 2Am, so you should probably bring a window-smashing implement with you. Just foolin! Don't call the fuzz! Seriously though, if you're wondering what it's all about, all you need to know is this...teenage vampire love. I'm not into vampires, or teenagers for that matter, but these books are really entertaining and surprisingly romantic. Seriously, pick up a copy and get your vampire on.

For the last two nights, I've enjoyed a rum and coke before deciding to retire for the evening. This was not a good idea. Why the hell have I done this two nights in a row?! Once I finish my beverage, I feel an insatiable urge to dance and then I can't fall asleep. It is now 2Am and I have not yet retired. I gotta stick to Squirt from now on. Have you had a Squirt to drink lately? I forgot about Squirt for a long time, and then I had one and it's like I've fallen in love for the first time all over again. I love beverages! I almost want to try a Tab again. Whenever I'm at someone's house and they ask if they can get me something to drink, I have a very strong urge to ask for a random beverage. "Oh, thank you. I'll take an RC, or if you don't have that a Tahitian Treat would be just fine." Eww, I do not want to fall in love with Tahitian Treat all over again. The redness of it makes me think of babies with messy faces, which is definitely on my top-ten list of most hated things in the world. It's about like this: 1)Devil 2)Osama 3)Playa Haters 4)Land Mines 5)Fat-free mayonaise 6)Belly Buttons
7)Babies with messy faces that no one cleans for hours
8-10) Hanson...ya know, "Mmm, Bop"
Just kidding; Hanson's not so bad! I do have a fierce hatred of belly buttons though. True story, two days ago one of my coworkers said, "What stinks in this room? It smells like belly button fuzz." OMG, I almost spewed. I was like "Exsqueeze me, what did you just say?" I then mentioned I hated belly buttons and that I wanted to ralph, and everyone just laughed. Not funny.

Why do silly peeves like that seem to follow you wherever you go? One time, I was staying with my family at a lakeside condo. They had the bathroom decorated all woodsy-cute, and by the sink was a piece of pottery that was clearly purchased at an overpriced knick-knack store. It was a little jar with one of those cork tops, the kind of thing you would presumably use for potpourri or something of that ilk (oooh, ilk...good one). Anyway, on the front of the jar, where you would usually see something like "Give me chocolate or give me death" (what is up with that, by the way) it said, "Belly Button Lint 10 cents." WHAT THE EFF?! OK, first of all, I don't ever want to see a container that has those words on it. Second of all, ten cents? What is this implying? Like, in ye olde days you made ten cents for every piece of belly button lint you could find? It's disgusting and beyond me...like, for real, because I don't get it. Do you think there's a store called "Ye Olde Chocolate is my Boyfriend Shoppe." I hope not.

I'm tired now. I'll be back soon!