Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer

You think you've heard the song before, but you haven't really heard it until you've heard it sung by this amazing up-and-comer I discovered over the weekend... ME!!! While playing American Idol at a growed-up girls slumber party with my three best galpals from highschool, I discovered that I have this crazy amazing voice. I'm setting up some open-mic night gigs for the next few months, the ultimate goal being to hit the stage at The Apollo in NYC, baby! I'm making a pledge to you and myself, here and now: I will be the first caucasian to sing "And I am Telling You" on the Apollo stage without getting swept off by that mother-effing clown. Who new karaoke could change the trajectory of one's career so dramatically? I'm giving notice at my current place of employment tomorrow; my public needs me. Just in case my Grammy acceptance speech gets cut short, let me give a shout-out right now to three of the most beautiful ladies I've ever known who helped me find my voice. I promise I won't change by the flossy, flossy! I swear! You have no reason to mucho mistrust me! I love you all; your pirate smiles and laughter are contagus.

Speaking of tiny dancers, I'd really like to bang one. That's naughty; I don't really mean it. I could go for a rhumba and a cuddle though. Tonight finds me infatuated with the professional male dancers from Dancing with the Stars. How can you not love a man who is confident enough in his masculinity to wear purple and sequins AND dance with another dude? DAAMMNN!!! Naturally, my current favorite is Tony D; not only does he have amazing moves and a killer smile, but look at the tender way he handles his plus-size partner. That's a MAN!!!

I've been trying to inspire myself to adopt habits that will lead to the development of a dancer-like bangin bod. To that end, I listened to the song "Gloria" by Laura Branigan for about an hour straight last night. I don't know why that song moves me the way it does. It must be because it always reminds me of Jennifer Beals in Flashdance; she's gotta be like ninety years old now, and have you SEEN her lately? Sick! She looks even better now than she did twenty-some years ago when she was pretending to dance on the big screen. Anyhow, I "worked-out" on my thrift-store purchased stationary bike in the basement. Well, I tried anyway. It's so wonky that the right pedal kept falling off, so I ended up just walking laps in the area around the bike (seriously) for like half an hour. Long story short, you won't even recognize me the next time we meet.

OK, I'm gonna go whip up a little pot of chili for my midnight snack. "Calling Gloriaaaa......"