A New Dimension

Tonight finds me popping SweetTarts and contemplating the twenty-nine dimensions of compatibility. I don't really know what this means; it's just something I heard on an ad for one of those love connection websites. I think it's called mymomisgivingmeshitfornotgivinghergrandbabiesandpeopleare
startingtothinkimightbegaycauseimtoooldtobesingle.com or something like that. Anyway, seeing this gave be a better understanding of why each day brings me another inch closer to eternal spinsterhood. I mean, I can't imagine I have twenty-nine dimensions, or even twenty-nine different things to talk about. God, family, friends, work, Swayze, SweetTarts, TV, Movies, TV Movies...these are pretty much the elements that comprise my dimensions. Not even close to twenty-nine. Damn. Maybe I should start my own service, I'd call it dontsayyouonlylikeathleticgirlswhenwhatyoureallymeantosayisthatyou
dontlikechubbygirls.com
Seriously, call a spade a spade, gentlemen. Enough of this, "I'm really into the athletic look," bullshit we always hear on dating shows. Oh really, you're into the athletic look? You should meet my friend Ulga von Hogstein, world-class female Greco-Roman wrestling champ from your favorite non-armpit-shaving European country. You think you'd like to give it a whirl with her? Yeah, that's what I thought. Say it. Own it. You don't like chubby gals; it's cool, we don't like you either.

I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker tonight. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a reality show which follows socially-inept entepreneurs in their search for love. One of tonight's gentlemen asked his lady prospect, "What's something I haven't asked that you'd like to share about yourself?" To which the beautiful athletic girl replied, "I really like, like, stud earrings. I usually have, like, a cupcake in one ear or maybe a frog." For reals. I'm speechless, but enlightened, for this little exchange led me to the following selfishly hopeful conclusion: Maybe I have spent too much time trying to fill my dimensionless void with purple and green SweetTarts, and maybe I'll never look "athletic," but I have this. This here. My own little corner of the blogosphere, where I get to prove to the world (and by world, I mean the five or six of you out there) whenever and however I choose that I have something to offer other than cupcakes in my ears. So thank you. Thank you for adding a new dimension to my life.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did go back for that last Samoa. Zip-lines be damned; you know I'd never ride one anyway. Life is short, and Girl Scout Cookie season only comes once a year.