Sorry, I'm Awake

So I've had a little run of bad restaurant karma these days. I don't know if I even believe in karma, per se, but if I did I would think the universe was punishing me for eating out too much or something. Maybe that's not what it is, though. Perhaps God has sent down some of his table-waiting angels to teach me a lesson about speaking up for myself.

It started one morning a couple of weeks ago when my sister and I went out for breakfast. I was so excited by the prospect of devouring something smothered in hollandaise sauce that I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head. It's a big deal for me to be that excited about anything so early in the morning. Generally, I don't like to speak or really acknowledge anyone's existence until I've been awake for a good couple of hours. It seems the promise of hollandaise sauce is enough to cure my morning misanthropy, which was lucky for the kind-looking gentleman manning the host's station that day.

In the most pleasant tone of voice I could muster up, I said, "Good morning. Two, please, for a booth if you have one available."

The gentleman replied, "Are you trying to sleep?"

Uh, what?

"I'm sorry?" I said.

"Are you trying to go to sleep on me here?"

I was slightly thrown, but had a sinking feeling I knew where this little exchange was headed.

"No," I replied, "I'm not trying to sleep. Why do you ask?"

"Well, it's just that your eyes are so small. I thought maybe you were trying to sleep."

Yes, that is why I asked for a booth, sir. I need a soft cushiony place to rest my ridiculously tiny eyes. Constant sleep is the only way to preserve the strength of these little slits in my head.

Do you think that's what I said to him? Hell no! Apparently the presence of small eyes is correlative to a complete lack of back bone, because all I could say in response to his ridiculous statement was, "Oh." Guess I told him! Snap! This little convo probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but if you're reading this you have probably heard at least a few stories through the years about how strangers have displayed their shock/disgust over my small eyes. I think people are like dogs in many ways; they sense your areas of weakness and know exactly how and when to pounce. As the years go by, it bothers me less; frankly, as much as it has hurt my feelings from time to time, I just think it's really kind of a weird and stupid thing for people to comment on. I've never heard anyone say, "Are you trying to be, like, really awake? Your eyes are so big, I just thought you were trying really hard to be awake." I'll have to stick that one in my back-pocket in case some mo-fo ever tries to dis my slits again.

My ma likes to tell me I have a way with words, but I'm never able to say what I mean to say when I mean to say it. Even for dumb things, like placing an order. Last week I went to another restaurant (tsk tsk) and tried to order a salad. WHAT?! Maude ordering a salad?! During lent, no less? (For those of you who don't know, I have a long-standing tradition of giving up greens/veggies during lent) Anyhow, this salad I ordered came with pieces of steak on top of it and had some goofy name. Well, what I got when the kind waiter-in-training returned was a big slab of meat with steamed veggies on the side. Do you think I could say, "Sorry, sir, you're doing a great job but it seems you misunderstood my order." Hell no! I said what I always say when I'm given the wrong thing at a restaurant, "This looks great! Thank you so much!" Damn! For reals, what is my issue? The upside of this story is that I actually ate the slab of meat and it was quite delicious.

I'm seriously not gonna go on and on about restaurants and food and stuff, but I just have to share one more story from a few years back that really illustrates the ridiculousness of my issues and is sure to make you chuckle. Ok, here's the scene: I'm in my office cafeteria, going through the part of the line where they prepare certain featured dishes of the day. The selections are grilled cheese with tomato and bacon, a stuffed pork chop, or some fish thing. I thought the grilled cheese looked pretty mouth-watering. The cook greeted me with a smile. He was a super nice guy who spoke in broken English and made a mean grilled cheese.

"Hi," I said, "I'll have the grilled cheese today."

"What's that?" he replied. "You want the stuffed pork chop special?"

"Yes please."

What the eff?! Yes please? Seriously, girl, all you had to do is say, "No, actually the grilled cheese." It's not like I would have offended the man by just asking for what I wanted. Damn! I've got probs. If only I could keep my teenie-weenie eyes open long enough to take a good look at them.

To switch gears completely, I know I've neglected to deliver my Swayze Sunday entries. I'm sure you are all extremely disappointed by this, and I pray that someday I will win back your favor. So, continuing the theme of being awake, tonight I have decided to pop in Waking Up in Reno. I'll die of shock if you've already seen it. It was basically a straight-to-DVD feature...sadly, because it's actually really sweet and funny. I know I'm biased, but I've shown it to non-fans of Swayze who couldn't believe it didn't have a longer life in theatres because it's so enjoyable. Swayze stars alongside Charlize Theron, Billy-Bob Thornton, and Natasha Richardson; they play two couples who are best friends on the road-trip of their lives. There's infidelity, laughs aplenty, a dance scene between Swayze and the cameo-appearing Penelope Cruz, and Tony Orlando singing "Knock Three Times." I know, I can't believe it got snubbed at the Oscars either. It seriously is good for some silly laughs if you're ever in need of them, and who would be so foolish as to turn down a good laugh. It's probably not the last time you'll see me write this, but seriously, give it a peep and you won't be sorry.

Another work day is, sadly, just a few hours away. As much as I'm trying to fight it, these pin-holes of mine are wanting to close. I've also completely lost my will to go back and correct all the run-on sentences I know are there. Do you mind if I say goodnight? I hope not. I'm sorry :)